A new start?

Many things are going through my head at the moment.

One part of me feel like I'm having a life crisis, another part of me feels like its simply impatience, a demand that there has to be more to life than this.
(How do you define a life crisis anyway? It's not like I'm fighting urges to buy a sports car and do plastic surgery.)

What I do feel however, is that I have lost all the things that made me me. I am not riding, I am not doing any oil painting, I am not dancing, I am not singing. I am not anything anymore.
I no longer know what that is or how to get it back.
I just know that right now I am spending my life going to work and nothing else, and I don’t want that.

Some days I feel like getting a new horse. Other days I get exhausted by the mere thought.
These feelings are the results of a mixture of being dead from work, being afraid of going through a Vasara-thing again, and loosing Dave due to that I will be spending time in the stable every day.
I am also afraid that I am not good enough. That a nice horse will be wasted on me. That feeling I know all too well, it's haunted me my whole life and been my one consistent truth.


Deep inside I think I know what I have to do. It's just, I'm afraid to do it. And that is something cannot accept any longer, it's simply not who I am at heart. 

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