My soul burns

We will put Nalle to sleep next week. This weekend I will say my last goodbyes to the cat I've had for 16 years, since I was 9 and we found him newborn in the stable, and my mom helped the cat mother to carry him to the nest while she showed the way, carrying the siblings.

It doesn't matter that he's lived with mom the last years, it's like it would matter that your kids move out of the house. The love is unchanged and the pain is so real it's like a scorching sword inside my soul.

I have so many memories with Nalle, so much joy and comfort. All of that will of course be with me forever, but the bare thought of never seeing him again, of the finality of this horrible action, makes me panic completely, it's not possible to take in. I remember the indescribable pain of loosing Karolina and know that next week I will experience it again.

Mom told me on Monday, but I have been forced to not think about it for one second, to keep it well together since I've had important colleagues two full days and I had to be super professional, untouched by feelings. But last night it was over and I could open the doors to pain, pain, pain.

Now I have to decide how to say goodbye.

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